God Math

On receiving without cost and how, miraculously, it doesn't add up.

I said three words on heavy rotation last week: Deficit, tension, and anticipation.

The first flew out of my mouth when I was talking to myself on a walk around my block. I’m taking the role of “new crazy neighbor” literally in stride.

At the time, I was reflecting about my recent days feeling full, yet forced. On one hand, I was proud that I was doing things, even if they required effort. But on the other hand, I was frustrated: These constructive things were depleting my energy, and they didn’t the week before.

When did the drain start? Why did it start? I couldn’t determine what caused the shift, but I could label what I was feeling… So I blurted out the word “deficit.”

Crazy neighbor, remember?

When I did this, I saw the situation with a bit more grace: My low energy reserve was proof that I was trying. A result of me walking down the path God laid out for me.

1 John 1:5 says that “God is light, and there is no darkness in him at all.”

And let me tell ya, there are times when I feel like I’m standing in the center of a tiny white room, surrounded by 3000 fluorescent bulbs, feeling uncomfortably well-lit.

That light He shines hides nothing. It reveals overlooked, dusty corners of the room… pieces of your heart that are broken, or maybe that you didn’t even know were wounded.

And, since God knows every inch of your soul– where it hurts and where it hopes– He uses that light to lead you down paths to find healing… even if you’re not aware of it.

How awesome, and gosh, how hard. Hence, my second word: Tension.

The push/pull of God’s sovereignty and my sense-of-self is a battle. And, instead of feeling better knowing that everything He does is for my good, sometimes I feel even more convicted– why can’t my human heart default to trusting in His perfect timing?

In this season of my life, I’ve experienced a lot of love-lost and impermanence.

But, my First 15 Podcast recently reminded me that as Christians, we get to respond to God’s love, we don’t have to earn it.

I don’t think I’ve previously grasped this as deeply as I do now. And honestly, that realization caused a bit of an internal freakout.

God’s love is the only thing we can define as permanent. Understanding that, and finding security in that, is a lesson that I needed to be taught. Miraculously, He’s giving me a way to learn it.

Receiving without cost… It’s like “girl math,” but… God Math, lol.

It doesn’t add up. Yet, the confidence outweighs the logic.

This brings me to my third word: Anticipation.

I read recently that we as adults, and as Christians, can easily start to live our lives like an expectant child before their birthday party. We know greatness is coming… the gifts, the community, the celebration… but we have to wait for it. So, we wish to speed through the calendar, for time to move faster so we can “get what we want.”

I’m for sure guilty of this. I want to zoom through energy deficits, hard mental work, a lack of familiarity, loneliness, etc etc etc. I want to close my eyes to it.

But, if I did that, I’d miss what God was showing me. That He actually is satisfying those wants, just in unique ways… even as I was typing this I realized I could list how He did so in every one of those categories–

God Math Receipts!

Energy deficits: My back porch dons one crusty Tommy Bahama chair because I haven’t purchased outdoor furniture yet. Chic, amirite? Nevertheless, I frequently eat lunch back there and “find my beach.” This week, I did that a bit too well, and I accidentally fell asleep post-lunch?? I jolted myself awake because my head dropped?? Haha I was so confused but also so delighted.

Hard mental work: I’ve recently felt sooooo creatively inspired. No blockage whatsoever. I’ve never felt this way and it’s amazing!

A lack of familiarity: I’ve started passively calling my house “home” and I smile every time I catch myself doing it.

Loneliness: Group activities with genuinely warm people have fallen into my lap without effort. I feel encouraged by advice from my close friends that I could never repay them for. I was even surprised with an internationally-sent post card in my mailbox!? (grazi, amica mia!)

I’ll close with this excerpt from my journal:

Right now, I’m listening to some jazz, I’m dressed, I have my hair in a french pin, and I am working pretty early. I didn’t walk this morning or go to pilates – I plan to exercise in the afternoon so I can shower and go straight into a date with myself listening to a quartet at the art museum. Lol i sound 85

I feel actually much more put together now that I reread everything that I’ve written… kinda like I’m in a Seurat painting and now that I step back, I can see that I’m ok. I don’t quite understand things at the moment but it’s ok actually. I’m not floundering, I’m not going too slow, I’m not missing something. I’m just patiently here.

Patiently here, where God put me.

Correction: Where He has me.